“The Thinker’s Way”: Social and Gendered Communication

In communicating with others, all of us rely on shared expressions (e.g. phrases, allusions, gestures), yet often take this set of previous knowledge for granted.  Thus, when we enter into conversation with someone who does not have share this knowledge, misunderstanding results.

Each person has a different language style derived from a myriad of sources, which can be broken down into:

1. Dialect, reflection that person’s region or region of origin.

2. Slang, indicating age and/or subculture.

3. Jargon, indicating occupation.

4. Accent, communicating socioeconomic class and geographic origin.

Our awareness of the shared knowledge we rely on when normally communicating is highest when we communicate with geographic foreigners, and is often neglected when we deal with people across different ages, intranational cultures, and (particularly) gender.

Our neglect of gendered language styles can have dramatic consequences: most divorced women cite lack of communication as a significant factor that led to their divorce.  Specifically, women often complain that men minimize their problems, treating them as objective and solvable, while men complain that women dwell too much on minute issues, so that conversation never progresses past one or two issues.  Broken down, these complaints have their bases in different ways each gender socializes, starting in childhood.  For females, talk is tied to development of intimacy, such as through exchanging secrets and sharing emotions. Thus, they expect men to express similar verbal intimacy and understanding.  Per contra, males bond not by conversing, but primarily through doing.  Further, male social groups (especially in childhood) tend to be larger, such that men must avoid being the subordinate, which may roughly translate into the role of passive listener within conversation dynamics.

Five key ‘misalignments’ or areas of communicative disconnect between men and women arise from such gendered modes of socialization.

1. Physical Misalignment:  Women tend to face each the individual they are talking to directly, making long periods of eye contact, whereas men usually sit at an angle to the person with whom they are talking, their eyes usually focussing at different points in the room and rarely making direct eye contact.

Conflict:  Women often perceive men as being inattentive or distracted when conversing with them.  Men complain that women ‘stare them down.’

2. Topical Misalignment: Women prefer to spend time on one topic, particularly abstract relationship-related topics, analyzing a situation’s meaning, interpretations, and ramifications. Meanwhile, men prefer to talk about tangible experiences and events.

Conflict: Women feel men are conversationally superficial, while men feel women are narrow and excessive in their conversations.

3.  Feedback Misalignment: Women provide more immediate feedback as listeners (e.g. “mhm,” “I agree”), while men remain quieter.

Conflict: Women feel men are inattentive, whereas men are annoyed by women interrupting or distracting them with their inputs.

4. Problem-Solving Misalignment: Women often seek empathy and emotional support when discussing their problems, whereas men tend to seek pragmatic and tangible solutions.

Conflict: Women feel  their subjectivity and emotions are being quashed by a man’s attempt to solve her problem, while men feel impatient with women who are sympathizing.

5. Analysis-Style Misalignment: Women’s emphasis on empathy in conversation leads them to expect support and agreement when they express an opinion, while men, who are used to more competitive social environments, are used to disagreement in conversations.

Conflict: Women can feel offended when a man disagrees with her, taking it as a form of betrayal, confounding men, for whom argument in conversation is more common.

Overcoming these conflicts depends upon one’s ability to recognize the different language style of the individual he or she is speaking to.  In inter-gender conversations, rather than blaming one gender on having poor communication, one should view such conflict as miscommunication, as you would when conversing with a foreigner. Understanding that, say, a man need not make eye contact to listen attentively, or that a woman’s agreements are merely signs of support can allay much of the tension that can arise, particularly in heterosexual relationships.

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As I was reading this chapter, I was able to recognize many of these gender differences in communication.  However, this recognition was less from persona experience and more from relating them to the issues discussed on sit-coms and the like.  Personally, I cannot think of a time when such conflicts negatively affected my own communication.  For my own part, I feel I employ a mix of male/female strategies, shifting depending on the situation, and I believe most people I talk to do the same.  Thus, I wonder if these gender differences are becoming more antiquated.  That is, as youth are less socially divided along gender lines, as it becomes more acceptable for a boy to have a mix of male and female friends, are these communication differences becoming less prevalent?  And, if this is true, is the media’s antiquated and polarized notion of gender language styles perpetuating such roles in youths who otherwise would employ a genderless style of communication?

Alternatively, my personal experience might simply result from my eschewal of heteronormative standards/institutions/relationships, while heteronormative society chugs on as communicatively polarized as ever.

What is your experience with gendered language styles?  Do you consistently reflect as specific gendered style of communication?  Do your friends? Why or why not? I’m curious to know!

The “Do’s and Don’ts” of Working Collaboratively with Others

Think of communication as a two-way street: a person doesn’t only need to express his or her ideas clearly, but also ensure that these ideas are likewise understood. The most important setting during which communication needs to be effective is discussed in a subsection entitled “Working Collaboratively with Others,” which is a part of John Chaffee’s book The Thinker’s Way.

I have been studying at UCLA for three years, and I always experience the same types of class discussions: the one where everyone wants to talk, or the one where no one wants to talk. Either one is not only painful to sit through, but are also highly unproductive. In this type of situation, successful group communication is important because it would propel individuals to reach a higher understanding of the ideas discussed in class.

Before we can learn the “do’s and don’ts” of working in a team, we must first recognize the purpose of working with others. Why do we choose to work with others instead of simply accomplishing a task by ourselves? Working with others exposes us to a variety of ideas, and it gives us the opportunity to exercise our social and communication skills. The purpose to working with others is to achieve a common goal. Whenever you are in a group setting, always remind yourself of that goal so that you are in tune with your group. Next time you attend a class discussion, remind yourself that you are there to further develop material covered in class (and not to simply sit idly or make conversation).

Now that we have established a common goal for the group, here are some helpful tips to follow along the process:

• Participate actively: You are ultimately responsible for the effectiveness of your class discussion, so contribute! 
• Practice effective discussion: Speak clearly, listen attentively, respond directly, and ask relevant questions
• Be respectful of all group members: Even though you regard your ideas as superior to others, every member of the group deserves a chance to participate. 
• Encourage creative thinking, and don’t judge ideas prematurely: Don’t be afraid to express unique ideas–it may encourage a more valuable and interesting discussion for your group!
• Evaluate the ideas, not the person who is communicating them: Someone in your discussion may have said something you think is irrelevant–make sure not to respond politely and constructively. Don’t criticize the person, instead question and challenge their idea. 
• Know how individuals in your group work, and who makes the decisions: Get to know the people in your class. For instance, are there students who are typically quiet and shy? Knowing this can help you better respond to their comments with more sensibility, since you know they don’t comment as often as others. 

Successful group collaboration does not only mean being a good team player, or member. It’s also significant that you develop group leadership skills. Every effective group needs a leader who understands the needs of the group and encourages every individual to contribute to the overall growth of the group.

Post by: Miqi Cos

Discussing Ideas in an Organized Way

In this section of the chapter, “Communicating Successfully”, the focus was on the difference between expressing one’s views and discussing one’s views through dialogue. The author gives two sample dialogues of people talking about the subject of euthanasia and each persons views on whether it is murder or not. In the first dialogue, the conversation turns hostile rather quickly. This is because the speakers were simply stating their views instead of actively explaining why they felt what the felt. To have a constructive discussion there needs to be key components present. The individuals involved within the dialectic exchange must :

• express their views clearly and support them with reasons and evidence
• listen to each other and respond to the points being made
• ask–and attempt to answer–important questions
• try to increase their understanding rather than simply win the argument

The second dialogue was about the same topic but it quickly took a completely different route because the speakers applied these attributes. Although in the end they both still disagreed on the topic of euthanasia as murder, the discussion was much more fluid and constructive compared to the first dialogue.

Reflection

The overall message that I received from reading not only this section but the whole chapter in general is that communication is key. The power of language and non-verbal ques  is amazing but also disheartening. It is amazing in the sense that we have the power to convey a message in so many different ways but it is disheartening in the sense that many of us are plagued with the inability to communicate effectively. I see this chapter as a sort of blueprint as to what it takes to be an effective communicator. However, I do believe that some of the suggested steps given in this chapter are not as practical as we my think or like it to be. Our inherent nature as human beings is primal so it is definitely a developmental process to learn how to communicate successfully. I see it as a trial and error sort of process where sometimes we have to use vague language, or engage in stagnant, hostile dialogue and face critique to realize that we are not fully communicating our points in the first place. Communication is key, but it is also complicated.

Post Submitted by Jadessa

Clear and Muddled Thinking: How to Avoid Vague, Unclear Communication

The sections discussed in this post are taken from The Thinker’s Way, and they include the following: 1) “Language and Thought”, 2) “Vague Language, Unclear Thinking,” and my response to arguments brought up in 3) Male/Female (Mis) Communication.

Perhaps the best quote to summarize my sections would be “Clear communication expresses clear thinking, while muddled communication reflects muddled thinking” (201). Within the two first sections of the “Communicating Successfully” chapter, the author establishes the relationship between what comes out of our mouths (language) and what resides in our minds (thoughts).  Specifically to “Language and Thought,” language can be used to express our thinking in order to convey sentiments, ideas, and beliefs (203).  Thus, in order to efficiently communicate, we must use language clearly and precisely (203). The following diagram helps to illustrate this concept:

 

Clear Language                                                                 Clear Thinking

 Specific                                                                                 Focused

Precise                                                                                   Articulate

Organized                                                                            Coherent

Accurate                                                                             Accuarate

For “Vague Language, Unclear Thinking,” the author discusses the importance of using specific language in order to effectively reflect your ideas; otherwise, serious ramifications, misunderstandings, and mistakes could take place.  One of the fun activities to practice being specific was called a Thinking Activity. This activity is entitled Describing an Experience, and it calls for you, the reader, to “describe an experience you had recently, concentrating on expressing your ideas clearly and precisely. Use appropriate who, what, when, where, how, and why questions to guide your writing.  [Ask yourself:] will your audience be able to ‘relive’ your experience by reading it?” (209).  I believe this activity to be very helpful in building communication skills and creativity as well.

Overall, I think the author brought up some interesting points.  I find myself being unclear, vague, and disorganized when I speak sometimes. Now, I can identify that it is because my thinking follows that same pattern, so I can focus on correcting my thinking and improving my thought processes.

With this being said, I want to respond to some key points I read about in “Male/Female (Mis) Communication.” I thought it was really interesting that the author identied four areas that lead to miscommunication between genders. These areas included Physical Misalignment, Feeback Misalignment, Problem-Solving Misalignment, and Analysis-Style Misalignment.  Because he references Dr. Tannen (a woman who is well-known in the Applied Linguistics field and whose findings are incredible), I can say that his points are valid.  The author incorportates Tannen’s view that we cannot blame one sex alone; rather, difficulties arise in cross-cultural communication. Therefore, since men and women are culturally different, we can conclude that Tannen’s argument applies.

As an Applied Linguistics major, I really appreciated this development piece because it helped me further understand the importance of communicating clearly, concisely, and coherently.

Post submitted by Casey O’Neill

The Thinker’s Way: Communicate Successfully

WSP Staff breaks down a chapter from John Chaffee’s “The Thinker’s Way” about the essentials of successful communication.  Improving communication and deepening your understanding of others will enhance your life in many ways.  This chapter is broken down into 5 parts which will be explained in 5 different posts.  Check them out!