I don’t like a lot of bullshit. Maybe that’s my problem but it’s also my gift to you. So here’s the straight up, from me to you, unhindered, unadulterated, no filler, no pork, person to person, killer to motherfucking killer: everything is your fault. You heard me. Everything that’s wrong with this world – ISIS, school shootings, murderous cops, useless bureaucrats that call themselves our country’s leaders, loan debt, killer whales at Sea World, dolphins going deaf because the U.S. Navy pings them with their sonar, teen pregnancies, racism, gender inequality, rape gangs in Congo, kidnappings in Nigeria, earthquakes in Nepal – you name it, you’re the reason why the rest of us still have to deal with this shit.
But wait a minute, you say. That’s hardly fair, you cry. I haven’t even been to some of these places, how can I be the reason why these problems still exist? It’s simple, really. When I tell you that there is an entire industry of fishing that specifically targets dolphins for their meat and for their resale value to entertainment venues (a la Sea World), do you even care? Maybe, because they’re just animals, it’s hard for you to sympathize with their plight. Okay, okay, fair enough. Let’s shift gears a bit. What about those Nigerian girls who were kidnapped by Boko Haram? No, not the three hundred or so that were rescued recently. I’m talking about the ones that were kidnapped a year ago – still no trace of them. Oh, by the way, thanks for the rescue. Oh! You had absolutely nothing to do with that. So sorry. Mah bad. You’ll get ‘em next time!
You want to save the world but you’re so overwhelmed by all the world’s problems that you can’t even get started. Poor you. What a tough day. Want to sit in the shade and have a little break from the world with a nice cool glass of don’t-give-a-flying-fuck? You heard me. Get off your lazy ass, shut your whiny little mouth, roll up your sleeves and start doing something. Anything. Hell, the next time you’re walking down the street, maybe you shouldn’t walk by those donation solicitors so quickly. Here’s the point: want to know why the world is the way it is and nothing seems to change no matter how much money or volunteer doctors we throw at the problem? It’s because the problem is not “out there,” it’s in you. If you want to change the world, start with yourself. For example: the ongoing war and devastation in Congo is about mineral deposits – minerals used in the construction of cell phones, laptops, and mobile devices, so the next time you’re tempted to throw away your perfectly serviceable phone for the next greatest and latest gadget on the market, think about that. And the next time you feel tempted to drive your oversized SUV to the corner 7Eleven, consider why Californians pay more for gas than the rest of the country. The fuel market here is so inflated that foreign commodities buyers are coming here specifically to sell their excess petroleum – we’re nothing but a bunch of bitch-ass marks to them. But we can change that. Change yourself and the healing can begin.