How (Not) to Write

  1. Ding Ding! Get an assignment.
  2. Circle the due date. 3 times, just to be sure.
  3. Open up word processor and copy the prompt into the file.
  4. Close the file.
  5. Come back the day before it is due and sit down at desk.
  6. Get up.
  7. Tidy up books, sort through the binder, toss old receipts, sharpen pencils, rub the eraser so the black marks come off, put glasses in their container, eat a bag of chips, wash hands, eat a tangerine, refill water bottle, go to the bathroom because you drank too much water, update calendar, make bed, fold clothes.
  8. Brainstorm for a bit.
  9. Set head down and nurse brain.
  10. Rant to roommate about difficulty of assignment and impossible expectations of the professor.
  11. Wipe down desk and bed frame, dust window.
  12. Make very rough outline.
  13. Take a shower, stretch, set an alarm, nap, sleep through alarm, wake up panicked, wash face, drink some juice, sit down at desk.
  14. Curse poor life decisions.
  15. No one else is up. Go to study lounge or common area with laptop.
  16. Nothing for it! Start cranking out the pages.
  17. Watch the sun come up. Take a break to take some pictures.
  18. There are 2 hours left until it’s due. Time to speed up.
  19. Thirty minutes left. Now there really is no time. Hurriedly finish last body paragraph and write a conclusion.
  20. Fifteen minutes left. Hurriedly read through paper. Curse yourself for not starting sooner.
  21. Open up turnitin.com.
  22. Turn file into .pdf format.
  23. Submit paper.
  24. Congratulations! You finished, with two minutes left on the clock.

(Warning: This scene was accomplished by a professional procrastinator. Do not attempt at home.)

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