I Have a Secret to Tell You and You Won’t Like It

Hey Love,

There’s something I haven’t told you.
You’ve been doing this for a while
And although it bothered me quite a bit
I decided to hold it in
Because I didn’t think it was worth it.
But I can’t do this anymore.
I have to tell you
Now.


Don’t tell me I’m Nice.
That’s like dumping sewage water on me with a smile upon your face.

Say that I’m Cool. Funny. Smart. Kind.
The Best Ever.
Or Weird. Slow. Awkward. Clueless.
Your True Friend.

There are a million different things you can say about me
And you can choose anything,
Anything at all.

Just please don’t say that I’m Nice.

If I’m Nice I’m as good as No One
Because Anyone can be Nice
So if I’m No One to you,
I’d rather be Rude, Narcissistic, or Cold.

That way, even if it rips me apart
At least I’ll have been Something
And not the colorless air
That you breathed in and spit back out.

When I hear, “You’re so nice, Haesoo!”
I feel the words snaking around my throat
Constricting my voice, my body,
As I’m left gasping for lack of will.

Don’t mistake my efforts
As a part of my personality.
I’m not doing this because I’m Nice.
I’m doing this for myself – because I like You.

How hard can it be
To simply say
“Thank you”
When I help you out?

Being Nice doesn’t mean anything.
If I’m Nice then I must be a Zero
And I’d be a Zero
For not changing you in any way at all.

A Zero
For not speaking up
For not reaching out
For being your bitch – your ever loyal dog.

Nice is what you say when
You don’t know a person well
But you feel forced to say
Something good about them.

Nice is soft and convenient
A catch-all term
For the little marionette in the Vestibule
Endlessly running after something that can never be.

Nice is lukewarm
With a color like the dirty gray carpet
In every building you’ve walked into.
Nondescript. Overused. Stale.

Nice puts distance between you and me
Like a mantle of lead
Laying on pressure
To smile and act like everything is alright.

If Nice is all you can say,
Don’t say anything at all.


** End Note: I wrote this poem to express how I feel when people call me nice when I do something for them. This is purely describing my experience, and this does not reflect how I think of nice people; nor do I suggest that all people who are known as nice think in this way. **

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