Things I Never Told You

A few months ago, I got out of my very first relationship, and that whole time I felt like I was riding a rollercoaster of emotional extremes. I wrote a lot of poetry during that period as a means to cope, and for the most part I’m over the breakup and the person I was involved with.

As part of my process of moving on, I wanted to put out there into the world some of what I’ve written, even if only two or three people ever read it. Poetry has always allowed me to say the things that I could never say out loud to people. The works I’m going to show you allowed me to express the feelings I could never show my ex. Poetry lets me revisit the past and think about and reflect on difficult situations as well as happy ones. It helps me process our time together and what it all meant – what the end of it meant. Overall, writing poetry is what helped me get through this difficult time.

Of the few poems you’ll read here, some are finished and some are not. I never intended on showing anyone these poems, so they are very much raw and maybe not as poetic as they could be.

“Boxed Brownie Eater”

 

I am a boxed brownie eater.

I make them from 88 cent boxes

that I find on sale at Ralphs.

At home, I tear open the boxes

to mix three ingredients in a bowl.

I forget to turn on the oven

so I decide to turn it on now.

I like to think that brownies made from boxes

are just as good as ones made from scratch.

I am unsure if giving you boxed brownies

means I love you any less than someone

who gives you ones made from scratch.

All I know is that being a boxed brownie eater

leaves me more time to spend with you.

“Untitled”

 

Being here is strange.

Last time with my ex, now class.

I tried not to,

but returned to the spot;

the bamboo stalk with our names.

“Untitled”

 

the last night i saw you

still weighs on my mind.

the look on your face,

as you looked back at mine.

piercing and accusing,

they filled me with shame.

knowing i hurt you,

still fills me with pain.

can’t walk past our flowers,

without bursting into tears.

although its been just months,

it feels like it’s been years.

might be too much to ask,

but keep this in mind.

everything i said, i meant;

true feelings, not lines.

i’ve never hurt like this before,

never felt so much regret.

but i just need you to know,

i’ll never forget.

i didn’t know what love was,

but now i think i do.

i know our time is up,

but i’m so glad it was with you.

 

“Your First Love”

 

Your first love

Is the guy you met on Tinder

Who you messaged first

Even though you never message first

And yet you messaged him and

You spent so long thinking of what to say

And you messaged him to say, hey.

Just hey.

 

Your first love

Is the guy who answers you back

Whose phone notifications gives you

A near heart attack

With a message that reads, hey.

 

Your first love

Is the boy you cheat on

Not only once and only once

But three times where you found yourself

In a place where you didn’t belong.

 

Your first love

Is the boy who breaks the walls

You built so slowly up brick by brick

And sealed with tears

Where you hid your fears and all

The pain you collected throughout the years.

 

Fuck.

 

Your first love

Is the boy who stands up teary eyed

And tells you to stand up too

The boy whose arms you fall into

Where you cry and you and cry and

You both cry because you both know

This is the beginning of the end

And its no use to play pretend

 

Your first love, no my first love

Was a boy

Who will always

Have a place

In my heart.

If I didn’t have this creative and emotional outlet in poetry, I don’t know where I would be right now. I definitely wouldn’t be as happy or as optimistic about tomorrow as I am now. Negative emotions such as sorrow and anger and distrust can take their toll on you if you let them.   

I urge anyone who’s going through rough times to find an outlet for all the feelings stirring inside. Whether it’s through cooking every recipe in a dessert book, running nine miles straight, or putting words onto a page, anyone who’s in a stressful situation should be able to find an outlet that allows them to just breath.

 

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